Stray Lake U, a virtual university from the Stray Lake Signal-Gazette

Stray Lake U, the college of last resort

'Run That By Me Again,' from a real newspaper column of stuff and nonsense

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A History of Stray Lake U

Stray Lake U was founded in 1830 by Horatio Q. LeBlonde on the theory that he was out of work and people were paying good money to send their kids away from home. The school quickly gained a wide reputation and was forced to move, and incidentally to register with the state department of education and cease awarding medical degrees. By the turn of the century, it was the largest private, non-sectarian university in Stray Lake. It was also the smallest private, non-sectarian university in Stray Lake, and incidentally the only school of higher education within several hundred miles.

It was LeBlonde who established the tone for the school, proving that a person with no formal education will not necessarily go on to learn anything. The tenor of those early years is typified by the motto that LeBlonde created: "Ipso lorum toto flasta, quivid est horrendo." Of course, LeBlonde knew not a word of Latin, to say nothing of very little English, so he did not know what he meant, but he thought it sounded impressive and his students agreed.

Over the years, the school has turned out an astounding number of graduates, some of whom have actually seen the campus. In fact, Stray U's graduation rate is an astronomical 110%, due to a glut of blank diplomas which the president's secretary used to lure dates in the late 30s (the 1930s; she was much older).

"We like to think that if you enroll at Stray U, you're going to graduate," explains registrar Casablanca Hurtleshott. "That's why we insist on cash from our undergraduates, so diplomas don't have to be held until the check clears. That, and those pesky auditors. You'd think they would eventually find something better to do."

Of course, Stray U is also known for its ivy-covered walls and time-honored campus traditions. The Spring Mattress Airing, for instance, has been known to bring tears to the eyes of the most hardened cynic, and ringing the president's chimes on May Day has driven several of Stray U's leaders to distraction and beyond.

The athletic tradition at Stray U is also a source of pride, with several campus teams boasting the nation's longest losing streaks. Innovation is also rampant in the athletic program, which saw the invention of the little known and still littler-used backward pass by football coach Skidwell Losemore in 1910. Skidwell was fired after that season, and also lost his membership in the coaches benevolent association, but maintained in his autobiography that the backward pass was very useful if a team was trying to make money on the point spread.

Today, as Stray U sends graduates into a new millennium, one cannot help but reflect that Horatio Q. LeBlonde would be astounded. As Stray U President Dufoise Trolleyhauler put it one night at the Tipple Time, "People are still living in some of those ivy covered walls LeBlonde built, and let me tell you he was not much of a mason. Of course he'd be astounded, and probably sued, too. Make it a double here, little sister, and put it on the college tab."

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