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Editor/publisher - Corpuscle L. "Corp" Rampmeter Staff writer/photographer - Wilma Whipstittle Sports editor - Arthur T. Arthroscope Printer - Shaugnesy O'Toole |
Advertising manager - Ludmilla Samuelson Society editor - Letitia van Hesterslinger Housekeeper - Wilhelmina Harcourt Delivery Engineer - Skully Henderson, Jr. |
 
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Corpuscle L. "Corp" Rampmeter Editor/Publisher Corp Rampeter's extensive travels have taken him as far as Ashtabula, Ohio, where he was awarded the key to that city's men's washroom for his study of the mating habits of Druscilla Meterbottom. But Corp is also a stay-at-home guy, born and raised in Stray Lake where he practically grew up in the offices of the Signal-Gazette, which has been in his family for four generations despite their attempts to rid themselves of it. Corp attended Stray Lake High School and was awarded a Bachelor of Animal Husbandry degree from Stray Lake U at the tender age of 19. Unsure that he wanted to follow in the family tradition of newspapering, Corp cleaned himself up and set out to explore the world. He returned the next week for his toothbrush and money, then took the bus to Indianapolis. "I don't know why I settled on Indianapolis," Corp would later write in his little-known memoir, "I Don't Remember it Well, And I Don't Even Remember if it Seemed Like Fun at the Time" (Stray Lake Press, $19.95 plus shipping and handling, except it's out of print). Corp was arrested for vagrancy, was traded to a chain gang in Louisiana, had his case reviewed by the Supreme Court which let it stand with a lot of laughing, and joined the Merchant Marine on his release. "I don't know why I did that either," Corp would write, "because I used to get seasick fishing on Stray Lake. My time at sea was the most miserable two days of my life." Decommissioned by the sailors, Corp founded a literary magazine in Oklahoma, applied for a TV newscasting job in Boise, almost was hired to sell sweepers door-to-door, and finally arrived in Ashtabula. There he met and dated Druscilla Meterbottom and wrote his obscure treatise, then was run out of town by Druscilla's father, who was the mayor and police chief. "I know why he did that," Corp would write. Returning finally to Stray Lake, Corp announced his intention to take up the family business, and his father, Hiram C. "Rip" Rampmeter, gratefully went to pasture, pasture in this case being Publisher Emeritus and a reserved booth at the Tipple Time. Corp's years at the helm of the Signal-Gazette have been marked by tepid reporting, wishy-washy editorial writing, and a meager two per cent increase in advertising lineage. "Really?" Corp would write. "Two per cent? And the Old Man thought I couldn't pull it off!" Wilma Whipstittle Staff Writer/Photographer Wilma Whipstittle says she became a reporter by accident. "I thought the ad said they wanted a recorder," she laughs, "and I had always wanted to work for the county. But then, I never was much for detail, so it's not surprising I missed the point." Under the tutelage of Corp Rampmeter, Wilma quickly learned the craft of reporting and writing, and has won the Signal-Gazette's Ace Newshound award for six years running and 12 out of the last 13. "I'd have won all 13, if it hadn't been for running Corp's obituary that one slow news week," Wilma groused. "Heck, I just grabbed the first story that came to hand, and how was I to know he confessed to all that stuff when he wrote it? Anyway, if I couldn't win, I'm really mad that it went to Corp." Wilma grew up in Stray Lake and studied at Stray Lake U, where she took her degree in Animal Husbandry, then married Louis "Lou" Lootmore. The two were divorced after three tumultuous weeks of domestic mayhem, and have not spoken since. Wilma has never remarried, but frequently trolls for eligible and desperate companionship at the Tipple Time. Arthur T. Arthroscope Sports Editor Arthur T. Arthroscope says he knew he wanted to be a sportswriter the first time he stepped onto a football field. "I got trampled by this bunch of huge gorillas," he explains. "I figured it would be safer up in the press box, even the press box at Stray Lake U." Art was Stray Lake High's star sports reporter, then went on to take a degree in Animal Husbandry from Stray U, where he wrote the Stray U Shopper's prize-winning sports column, "Prize Winning Sports Column." Art is known for fairly accurate reporting and not missing too many plays, thanks to the fact his family all could hold their liquor (and drink whatever anyone else left unattended). But his forte is the human-interest story, capturing the essence of a player's psyche with a few well-turned phrases, then avoiding said player until the article is forgotten. "That usually doesn't take long, because how bright are these guys?" Art comments. "And anyway, the one sport I was good at was track, so I can generally outrun the ones who do remember." Art's writing and reporting arsenal is varied, and includes plagiarizing the style of most prize-winning writers and in some cases their actual stories. But his forte is photographs, which he takes tons of, occasionally getting one or two that are useable. "I have seen a lot of prize-winning photographs that have made me gag," Art explains. Art is married to the former Hecombia Tartlebuff, who changed her name to Gloria Gloria immediately after the wedding. Art and Gloria Gloria have six children, most of whom are better left unsaid about, save for Gloria Gloria, Jr. who is a waitress at the Tipple Time and so has the dirt on most everyone in Stray Lake. Art says his only unfulfilled ambition is to own a major hamburger franchise. Shaugnesy O'Toole Printer Shaugnesy O'Toole, the Signal-Gazette's head and only printer, was born John Smith in Ames, Iowa, but left home at age 7 and made up a long and involved story about being raised by wolves in Ireland. He's been telling the thing for so long even he believes it, so what the heck, it goes like this: He was lost overboard just before the Titanic hit the iceberg, rescued by a crowd of Vikings making a supply run to Norway, left by accident when the Norsemen took a side trip to rape and pillage the Emerald Isle, and was finally discovered under a cabbage by a she-wolf. The wolf raised him with her three cubs, teaching him to howl at the moon (at which he is very good) and survive by his wits (which brings the story into doubt). Shaugnesy usually claims to have been taken in by a family of sod cutters who found him in a bog when he was 14. Sometimes he says it was Queen Victoria, but she was never known for cutting sod or hanging in bogs so this part of the story seems even less likely than the rest. Anyway, he was sold to a local printer who taught him the trade then sent him into the world with the advice, "Try to learn more about the alphabet before you look for another job." Shaugnesy ignored this advice, and so was hired at the Signal-Gazette when his predecessor, Rudolph Valentino, left Stray Lake for a movie career none thought would ever happen. Rip Rampmeter taught Shaugnesy all he knew about the presses at the Signal-Gazette, but after a few tries at correspondence courses and a semester at the vocational school in Loomisville Shaugnesy was able to make repairs and get the paper back on the streets. Aside from printing the paper, Shaugnesy does little but hang out with Rip at the Tipple Time. He has never married, which is not surprising and probably also a good thing considering what his bloodline must look like. Ludmilla Samuelson Advertising Manager Advertising Manager Ludmilla Samuelson comes to us from Moscow, where she dated Boris Yeltson before his nose bulbed and was also a spy for the CIA. In Moscow, she sold advertising for the Moscow Times, the Moscow Picayune, the Moscow Gazette, and the Moscow edition of the Idaho Intelligencer. Finding herself near starvation when the Moscow office of the CIA filed for bankruptcy in 1993, Ludmilla slipped under the iron curtain, ignoring the fact that the curtain was no longer there and ruining her best dress. Boarding the Titanic for America … no, wait, boarding a Viking ship for Ireland … okay, we don't know how she got here, but she showed up one day and Rip Rampmeter thought she was the cat's pajamas. This seriously confused Ludmilla, which doesn't take much to begin with, but when Rip offered her a job selling ads she jumped at it. Actually, she jumped at him, but we thought we had better clean that story up. These days, Ludmilla hangs with Rip and Shaugnesy at the Tipple Time, selling ads via her cell phone and bad-mouthing Boris. Letitia van Hesterslinger Society Editor Letitia van Hesterslinger became Society Editor at the Signal-Gazette when her husband, Clive van Hesterslinger III, was abducted by wolves. At least that is Letitia's story and she has not budged in 12 years, and is not likely to while the other relatives are still contesting the will. Even Letitia admits it is strange that Clive would write such a document on a Tipple Time cocktail napkin then have it witnessed by only herself and a passing hobo, but her attorney, Bumbles Hatrack, says the napkin is as legal as anything he ever did. So to make ends meet and keep the van Hesterslinger estate in its present state of disrepair, Letitia now keeps her ear to the ground and blabs about what Stray Lake society is up to. She also pretty much hangs at the Tipple Time. Wilhelmina Harcourt Housekeeper Wilhelmina Harcourt cleans up after everyone at the office, and her job is a big one because talk about your pigsty … Wilhelmina, of course, runs the Piles-O-Trash Cleaning Service when she is not at the Signal-Gazette. Her clients include most everyone in town who does not do his or her own cleaning, and most are dissatisfied but cannot find anyone else so Wilhelmina drags in several figures of income and is reportedly considering wedded bliss with her accountant, Henry Popchick, Jr., except that Henry already has bliss who will not give him a no-fault divorce. Skully Henderson, Jr. Delivery Engineer When Skully Henderson, Jr., takes to the streets with his bike loaded with the latest edition of the Signal-Gazette, mothers hide their children and strong men retire to the Tipple Time, where most of them are anyway (the strong men, but not many of the children). Skully has been awarded the Crash Milo Random Destruction Award four years running by Leon Henderson's Body Shoppe and Correspondence School of Driving, exactly the same time he has delivered papers. Skully is a sophomore at Stray Lake High, and plans to attend Stray Lake U to major in Animal Husbandry. But his ambition is to deliver the Signal-Gazette until he can step into one of the other jobs at the paper, preferably the publisher's. Skully's parents moved to Loomisville two years ago, but left no other forwarding address. Bookmark this site!
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