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A SWAT by an other name ... Thwack! The mayor took a flask from the pocket of his jacket, swallowed deeply from it, and said, "Chief, I think we have a fundamental misunderstanding here." Thwack! The chief cocked his head and said conspiratorially, "Can't you say something nice? They've been working awfully hard on this." The mayor drank again, closed his eyes, opened them, and said, "I appreciate anyone who works hard. But this is not what I had in mind when I suggested that the police department needs a SWAT team." Thwack! "But they are swatting," said the chief. "It's not their fault it sounds more like 'thwack' than 'swat.' When you swat somebody upside of the head it's going to sound like a thwack. This is the real world we're dealing with here, Your Honor, not the Hollywood version." Thwack! "Of course, we could try a different brand of gloves," mused the chief. "But we've already been through a couple of dozen pair and they all sound the same, 'thwack' and not 'swat.' I suppose we could use sound effects, but that would mean equipping everyone on the team with a tiny playback recorder and ..." "No, no, no!" said the mayor. "It wouldn't be a problem," said the chief. "We're way under budget." The mayor took another drink and said, "That's because the budget was for assault rifles and grenades and body armor." "I saw that," said the chief. "But I figured we didn't really need all that stuff, especially the body armor. After all, they're not swatting each other that hard." Thwack! The mayor drank again. "Maybe if we just bought some life vests," suggested the chief. "Those look kind of like body armor, and I suppose the other teams will expect that sort of thing." "Other teams?" asked the mayor as he raised his flask. "At the competition in New York," explained the chief. "I got a flyer about it last month. Did I forget to mention I entered us?" The mayor put the flask to his lips. "There will be teams from all over the country," continued the chief. "It will get tons of news coverage. Dan Rather wants to do a piece on us as soon as we get to town. He said he loved the photos I sent of the team practices." Thwack! The mayor drained the flask. "Uh, I hope you're not planning to drive any time soon," said the chief. "I am sworn to uphold the law, you know." "How about upholding my dignity?" asked the mayor. Thwack! "Never mind," he continued, opening a drawer in his desk and taking out an unopened bottle of vodka. "You want some orange juice with that?" asked the chef. "The SWAT team always carries orange juice. It cuts down on the facial swelling. That and the gloves. You should have seen them before we went to the gloves, all red and puffy and ... gonna take it neat, huh?" Thwack! "Fundamental misunderstanding," mumbled the mayor. "SWAT team. Big guns. Helmets. Shiny boots. Runrunrun, dive onto the ground. Boom!" "Are you sure about the OJ?" "And whadda I get?" Thwack! 'Thwack! I get thwack. I order SWAT, I get thwack." The chief shuffled his feet and said, "I'll have purchasing cut an order for those recorders." "I get two guys standing in front of my desk while they thwack each other." "Swat," said the chief. "It just sounds like thwack." "A thwack by any other name." "You really should try the juice." "A swat, a swat, my seal of office for a swat!" Thwack! "Chief, you just hit me." "I thought you needed that." "I need another drink." "You need help." Thwack! "Your Honor, why did you thwack me?" "I didn't thwack you, I swatted you. It just sounded like a thwack." "Do you have another bottle in your desk?" "Tell purchasing to cut an order. You're way under budget." Thwack! Copyright 2004, Robert A. Markwalter  Bookmark this site!
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