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August | September | October | December | Home Blue-Green the dog and mayorin a tie; crisis looms November 7, 2000 Mayor and opponent agree to share the office November 14, 2000 Pigeon gunned down, election results still not certified November 21, 2000 Master plan may recommend three-way traffic on Main St. November 28, 2000 Stray Lake was thrown into a constitutional crisis Tuesday when Blue-Green the Dog and incumbent Leroy Wertzbrimmer each drew three votes for the mayor's seat, despite Blue-Green's having been withdrawn from the race by his owner, Ralph Gumstock. A runoff election seems in the works, but rumors of a coup d'etat swirled about the town square where election night revelers milled as Blue-Green sat by the fountain and statue of Colonel Richardson to scratch his fleas. "Three votes?" Leroy said. "I got three votes? I'm sure I voted for myself, and so did my wife, and my campaign manager and sister Wanda." "No comment," Wanda told this reporter. "But off the record, I think Blue-Green is an awfully cute dog." State election officials said they were unsure what should be done, but would get back to Stray Lake as soon as they could stop laughing. The officials said the idea of a dog as mayor of Stray Lake did not bother them, but a runoff election with a dog officially on the ballot might raise questions. "We've got a certain sense of dignity here at the capitol," election commission vice-chairman Lebinda Dooley allowed. "Not much, mind, but dogs actually printed on the ballot might be where we have to draw the line. On the other hand, the governor had his name on this year's ballot so there is a precedent." Locally, Ralph said he might reconsider his decision not to let Blue-Green run, noting. "If the people of Stray Lake want a mangy dog for their mayor, they are entitled to one." "Mangy?" asked Leroy. "Isn't there a state regulation disqualifying a person with mange from being mayor? If there isn't, I spent a lot more money at the vet than I needed to before I first took office." Commissioner Lebinda said the mange might disqualify a mayor elect "although we've got some pretty scraggly ones in office out there. I think rabies definitely puts you out of the running. Have both candidates had their shots?" Ralph assured this reporter Blue-Green is up to date with the vet and has also not killed any chickens of late. He added that Blue-Green's fleas were at a low ebb and Blue-Green could also balance the city books, on his nose. "The more I think about it, the more I think my Blue-Green ought to be mayor," Ralph decided. "That would give me and Lucrecia Borgia more time to shoot things this winter in Bermuda. You see, Lucrecia has not only dropped out of the mayor's race because of her love for me but also quit her job as a dancer at the gambling casino in Loomisville after hitting a big slot jackpot. Blue-Green can mind the city while we're away." Stray County Board of Elections Chairman Lew Johnson said a runoff would be scheduled "sometime, if the state insists on it. Personally, I would just as soon let Blue-Green and Leroy do alternate days or weeks on the job. Who would know? Leroy isn't all that good looking and Blue-Green can probably make better decisions. Maybe they can do a power-sharing arrangement of some sort." "I would love to share power with Blue-Green," Leroy countered. "Haul him in here and I'll plug his tail into a light socket. Let's see what kinds of decisions he makes after that." Meanwhile, in the streets, citizens were parading around the fountain carrying torches and banners, one group crying for Leroy to be named winner, another for Blue-Green to take office, and a third proposing that school be cancelled until the crisis was resolved. Violence erupted when the groups met at the feet of the statue of Colonel Richardson, someone pulled a gun ... (Editor's note: No such thing. There was no one at all at the square and the only violence on election night was when Howard Kiwaldi stumbled and fell as he tried to sneak into his house after the Tipple Time closed. Wilma is just making up stuff because she thinks the real story is so dull.) (Reporter's note: Okay, no violence, but writing about the mayor and Blue-Green is getting pretty monotonous. Blue-Green is admittedly a better conversationalist, but he smells pretty bad, and neither of them will buy a girl a drink.) When this reporter retired for the evening, a recount was in progress but was expected to take all night since the counters had not cleared third grade before dropping out of school. Leroy was nervously awaiting the results at the Tipple Time, where Blue was sleeping under the front porch. Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer and Blue-Green the dog have agreed to share the mayor's office after six ballot recounts left them in the same 3-3 deadlock first announced on election night. Leroy and the pup will take alternate weeks as mayor, with the one not in that seat assuming the newly created job of vice-mayor. "To quote John Nance Garner, that vice-mayor job will not be worth a pitcher of spit," Third District Councilperson re-elect Paul Boxtuttler said. "I guess that makes both of them just about perfect for it, because when Leroy gets excited he drools almost as much as Blue-Green." "I deny that," the mayor fumed as he wiped his chin. "And while I do not like this arrangement, I will do everything I can to make it work for the citizens of Stray Lake until I can lure Blue-Green into the street without his license and have him hauled to the pound." Blue-Green had no comment, but did growl at Leroy several times during their joint news conference. Most of the time, the dog slept, as did the sparse crowd in attendance at the Tipple Time. The final recount ended at 3 a.m. Tuesday, a week after the election. Poll workers were exhausted by the repeated counting. "I do not know how we managed to count seven times all the way up to three," line judge Hedley Haze marveled. "It was simply mentally exhausting. But I am proud to say that our results are absolutely certifiable." Backfield referee Slim Slant said he too was exhausted by the work, yet felt lucky to have been able to participate in such an exercise in democracy. "If that reaper accident had taken but one more of my fingers, I would have had to resign," he explained. At the state capitol, election commission vice-chairman Lebinda Dooley said she was not sure the new arrangement in Stray Lake was legal but did not care so long as she heard no more about it. "I just want them to send me the results so we can say this is officially over," she commented. "I must have the results by noon on Thursday, or the election will not be official and I'll have to go down there and kick some tail." "That let's me out, because only one of us has a tail," Leroy commented. Hedley said she would send the results to the election commission by carrier pigeon as required by law "just as soon as I recover from all that mental strain. How much can a person be expected to endure? And don't forget, I am the one who had to write all this down, which only added to my strain and anguish. Let's have a couple of short ones with Lou the bartender, then I'll launch that pigeon out over the sewage lagoon and we can all go home." As Hedley prepared herself for the launch, Leroy and Blue-Green flipped a coin (actually, Leroy flipped the coin and Blue-Green flipped his tail) to see who would take the first crack at being mayor. Leroy won, probably using the same two-headed coin he has carried since sixth grade. He announced that his first act in office would be to contract with the Noxious Chemicals Fumigating Company and Pizza Delivery Service of Loomisville to spray the place after each of Blue-Green's turns as mayor. Blue-Green's owner, Ralph Gumstock, said he was offended by Leroy's announcement but would take no immediate action "because all my guns are in the trunk of my car. But even if I had one of them, I probably would not shoot him because I do not believe he is in season. In fact, I believe the only thing in season right now is pigeons. Hey, didn't I see one standing on the bar? Excuse me while I go to my car." Pigeon gunned down, election results still not certified By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer The election of Leroy Wertzbrimmer and Blue-Green the dog as alternating mayors of Stray Lake had still not been certified when the Signal-Gazette went to press this week, after the carrier pigeon winging news of the candidates' 3-3 tie to the state capitol was gunned down over the sewage lagoon. "I have asked Judge Wimmer to declare that Blue-Green's owner, Ralph Gumstock, who dropped the pigeon, is an idiot and will shoot anything," Leroy told no one in particular. "In addition, I may declare martial law in this crisis, if Blue-Green approves." "One tail thump is no, two means yes," Ralph shrugged."Also, I only shoot stuff that's in season. That's why Leroy is still floundering around here. Say, are flounder in season? The pigeon was recovered from the sewage lagoon by chief sewer plant engineer Gilhooly Gramartripe and pronounced "dead as a doornail" by Doc Pandemic. This threw open the question of how to get the election results to the state election commission, the unfortunate pigeon being the last on hand. "I didn't buy a turkey this year," election board line judge and official certifier Hedley Haze explained. "The rest of the flock are in my freezer, but we're definitely going back to turkey next year. Do you know how hard it is to stuff enough pigeons to feed my husband's family?" At the capitol, state election commission vice-chairman Lebinda Dooley suggested, "If they're out of pigeons, why don't they just drop the certificate in the mail?" "That is an interesting idea," Hedley said. "However, I will be too busy stuffing pigeons to consider much else until after my husband's family descends like locusts on my house, so Leroy and Blue-Green can just be patient unless they want to help stuff. No wait, I would not feed even my in-laws pigeons stuffed by Leroy." Told of this latest development, Leroy went out onto the porch at the Tipple Time to confer about declaring martial law with Blue-Green, who was dozing under the woodwork there. The two were deep in conference for several minutes, then Blue-Green's tail thumped once, meaning no, and he went back to sleep. "I think he was trying to thump twice, but fell asleep before he could get it into the air again," Leroy said. "I believe we need to recount those thumps and try to discern what the thumper's intentions were. I will ask Judge Wimmer for a court order to that end." The judge said he would take the matter under advisement and hear oral arguments the next morning. He then turned back to the bar where he was conferring with Lucrecia Borgia, who seemed on the verge of leaving Ralph and Blue-Green for a fling at jurisprudence. In a back booth where he was holding maneuvers with Sgt. Henrietta Hatterby, Stray Lake Unregulated Volunteer Militia Commandant Droling Mudbinder, Lt. General (Ret.), said he would call out his troops "at the drop of a martial law hat, provided we have some vague kind of legal authority for doing so. The vaguer the better so far as I am concerned, because the idea of a dog as mayor turns my stomach. No wait, I ate dinner here." As this reporter departed to file her story before the news deadline, Leroy was trying without success to arouse Blue-Green and said he would consider trying to revive the dead pigeon if Hedley hadn't already stuffed it. Gen. Mudbinder (Ret.) was still trying to establish a beachhead with Sgt. Hatterby, Judge Wimmer had issued a writ of habeas corpus for Lucrecia, Hedley was stuffing pigeons, and Ralph was eyeing them as if even stuffed ones were in season. (Editor's note: Chief sewer plant engineer Gilhooly Gramartripe said he did not think the time the pigeon spent in the sewage lagoon would affect the operation of the facility, in view of the fact that Tipple Time chef Juan de Fuca regularly dumps his rejected buzzard carcasses there.) Master plan may recommend three-way traffic on Main St. By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer Three-way traffic on Main St. is one of the proposals under consideration by the Stray Lake Committee for Diddling with the Master Plan. Also under study are sidewalk speed bumps for pedestrians; planting trees in the streets and sidewalks; abolishing street and traffic lights; and purchasing a helicopter to airlift accident victims to Loomisville. "Two way traffic is thinking from a bygone millennium. We think traffic should move up the street, down the street, and sideways in the street," explained planning conceptualist Loren Vague of Vague, Vaguer, and Vaguest, city conceptualists from out of state. "Why, Stray Lake may even want four-way traffic, where automobiles drop out of the sky." "Didn't we have that with the demolition derby last spring?" recalled town marshall Carmella Casey. "I remember dodging a few of those drivers. I'm not sure these people know what we're talking about." "Of course they know what they're talking about!" diddling committee chairperson Charlie Whampmatter explained. "They're from a long way away and we paid them an outrageous amount of money." "He's right, our fees are outrageous," Vague agreed. "But then so are our ideas. Take pedestrian speed bumps. We first used that one in Piney Woods, California, where the pedestrians always hurried down their main street because it smelled so bad. But only a few broke their arms and legs on the speed bumps, the rest slowed down and are now buying things from the merchants, chiefly smelling salts and gas masks." "Why didn't they just get rid of the smell?" wondered Carmella. "Aha, they couldn't!" explained Vague. "The smell came from the sauerkraut factory which employed 10 of the 12 workers in the town. In order to avoid economic disaster, we recommended planting trees in the streets so the exhaust fumes from stalled traffic would drown the kraut odor. Then, we had to put trees on the sidewalks because the automobile drivers were abandoning the street." "And the street and traffic lights?" asked Carmella. "That was the brilliant conceptualization of Loren Vaguer, my second cousin," Vague told her. "People were ignoring the traffic signals so we decided they were a waste of money. And having to look at things in the daylight was bad enough - why put good people through that at night?" "That's when the helicopter got conceptualized?" asked Carmella. "Exactly, by my third cousin, Loren Vaguest, the vaguest Vague of us all. He's been called to Washington." "Just how much might all this cost?" Third District Councilperson Paul Boxtuttler asked. "If I remember correctly we have about $45 in the town treasury after paying your company." "I think it can be done for that," Vague told him. "We'll scale back some, use debris from the shores of beautiful Stray Lake instead of speed bumps and trees, maybe just fell the lamp poles and drop the traffic lights onto things." "What about the helicopter?" wondered Carmella. "Hand out mimeographed maps and let them make it to Loomisville on their own," Vague conceptualized. "I like it," decided chairperson Whampmatter. "Can we still string Christmas lights on the fountain and statue of Colonel Richardson?" |
| ©2000, Robert A. Markwalter. All rights reserved. |