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September October | November | December | Home Stray U prexy's residence gets new wing for his secretary July 4, 2000 Man gains distance record for being fired from cannon July 11, 2000 Mayor attacks himself in bold reelection bid July 18, 2000 Woman lost in cement yard decorations depot July 25, 2000 Stray U prexy's residence gets new wing for his secretary By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer Stray Lake U President Dufoise Trolleyhauler has unveiled an ambitious campus building program which will see the erection of two new storage sheds, a new backstop for the baseball field, and the remodeling of the president's residence to include a wing for his secretary, Trixie Woozlebloom. "Poor Trixie has to drive to work in the rain and snow, but when the new wing is completed she can ride in with me in my limo," Dufoise explained last Wednesday to a sparsely attended but largely skeptical press conference at the Tipple Time. "She is the best secretary a president ever had, and I would hate to lose her. She usually always picks up the phone before the machine answers." Ethel Gershinsky, who retired as the president's secretary about six months after Dufoise took office, was in attendance and offered a different slant. "Trixie was a car hop at the Buns-R-Us drive in, where Dufoise ate lunch - a three hour lunch - every day. He hadn't been in town two weeks before he started nitpicking with my work and hinting that I ought to retire. As far as I can tell, Trixie's only qualifications for the job are that she can remember to say "Stray Lake U" when she answers the phone." "That's not so," Dufoise countered. "Lots of times she remembers her name, too, and she can almost always put the stamps right-side-up on letters. Show me many more secretaries who can handle that kind of multi-tasking without breaking a sweat." "Dufoise breaks a sweat every time she walks past his desk," Ethel re-countered. "I would have sued for age discrimination when they eased me through the doorway, but they paid me under the table to keep my mouth shut, and I have." Dufoise said he was not going to dignify Ethel any more than he needed to, and moved on to the storage sheds, which he claimed were sorely needed. "Where else can we store stuff?" he explained. Dufoise then introduced Stray U baseball coach Scratcher Ellington, who said the new backstop should be a real asset to the Scum Beasts. "It's going to be about 15 feet closer to the field than anywhere else," Scratcher said. "Our catcher will know it's closer, but the other teams' players won't, so they'll run into it and likely hurt themselves. You go through enough catchers, you don't have anybody back there to catch the ball, and your guys can run wild on the bases." When it was pointed out that the Scum Beasts seldom have base runners to begin with, Scratcher allowed he and his staff were working on ways to steal first, adding that president Trolleyhauler was on a faculty committee looking into the matter. Dufoise then adjourned the press conference and all retired to the bar, where Trixie was showing Lou the bartender how she answered the phone while Ethel pelted them with olives from her booth. After admiring Trixie's work through several drinks, the assembled male chauvinist pigs concluded she did not have to get the stamps right-side-up to qualify for secretary of the year, and might not even have to remember her name. This reporter joined Ethel in the pelting until Dufoise and Trixie left to hold a press conference in Jamaica. (Editor's note: Stray Lake Signal-Gazette editor and publisher Corp Rampmeter wants everyone, especially Trixie, to know he did not pitch any olives at her, and in fact thinks she might make a good assistant editor if she would like him to build a wing on his office just for her.) (Reporter's note: I am going to be ill.) Man gains distance record for being fired from cannon By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer Hal Bollinger now holds the world distance record for being accidentally shot from a cannon, following the Independence Day celebration on the shores of beautiful Stray Lake. Miss Matilda Chuker holds the world record for being the only library patron ever struck by an accidentally fired person. The state police held everyone, but released them for lack of common sense. The Fourth opened at dawn with a concert by the Stray Lake Stationary and Marching Band and the sweep of lake front vagrants by town marshall Carmella Casey. This was followed by the disinfecting of the lake front by hazardous duty pay volunteers from the department of health. The Festive Fourth Committee then set up its booths and the fun began in earnest with games, food, more music, and lots of coughing and wheezing due to the chemicals sprayed by the health department. One vendor reported so many toxins the roach parts in his hot dogs shriveled up and disappeared. As evening approached, anticipation grew, until the Stray Lake Unregulated Volunteer Militia moved into position for its pyrotechnic and small and large arms display. The Stray Lake Volunteer Fire Department also moved into position, darkness grew, and small children became excited and threw up all the junk they had eaten. Finally, Droling Mudbinder, who comes out his retirement as Lt. General each year for the Fourth, fired the pistol his grandfather reportedly used to wound Teddy Roosevelt in the buttocks at San Juan Hill, and the display began. The fireworks were shot from a raft on the lake, and were spectacular, especially when someone dropped a flare into the wrong pile and sent the raft shooting across the water and into the yacht club docks. The small arms display went unusually well, with fewer casualties than last year. Doc Pandemic says everyone should be recovered by next week, despite Laswell Tucahaoe's claim to a permanent disability. Doc says permanent does not include injury to where Las took the bullet, though he thinks the insurance company should pay for a cushion. Then came the finale, the stationary and marching band's rendition of the 1812 Overture with the militia firing the huge antique cannons they have denied filching from the Old Fort Loomisville Museum and Slot Machine Parlor back in 1934. (They have been denying it for so long, some of them seem to believe it.) As the band ground into the glorious victory of Russian arms, the first cannon was touched off and Hal stuck his head out of number two to yell, "Can't you people keep it quiet so a man can sleep?" Sly Cuttrell, gunner on number two, was so astounded he let his cigar drop and Hal was almost immediately airborne, heading in the general direction of the Tipple Time and moving faster than anyone has ever seen him go. The crowd gathered in the Tipple Time parking lot to watch the fireworks did not see him descending until he hit the telephone wires, which slowed him just enough to allow everyone to dive out of the way, save for Miss Matilda, who was passing on her way to the library. Hal struck her a glancing blow and rolled into the bar, where he ordered a double as Miss Matilda fired some random pistol shots which added to the general air of festivity. Back on the lake front, the band completed the 1812, though gun number two was out of action due to Sly steadying his nerves at the beer tent. General Mudbinder immediately ordered an investigation, which went to the Tipple Time to interview Hal. They concluded about 3 a.m. that he had crawled into the gun to regroup from an afternoon in the beer tent, and was probably lucky he hadn't recovered completely because staying limber probably saved him from injury. The general announced that next year all the guns would be stuffed with giant corks until the 1812 begins, and gunners will not be allowed to smoke cigars or anything else flammable. Hal announced he would stick to the lemonade stands until about sundown. The state police announced they did not understand the situation at all, but Lou the bartender stood them a round and they left satisfied. Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer went on the attack with his reelection campaign Saturday, accusing himself of being soft on crime, hard on city employees, and wishy-washy about most other things. "The polls showed me running dead last," the mayor explained, "so I had to go on the offensive. And since I'm the only one running, who else can I accuse of anything? Next Saturday, I plan to hold a press conference denying all my accusations and accusing me of mud slinging. That ought to make me sit up and take notice, don't you think?" "I think the exhaust system in Leroy's reelection van is leaking," Third District Councilperson Paul Boxtuttler allowed. "Then again, do you remember two elections ago, when he wanted us to declare war on Loomisville so he could have his picture taken in a uniform? That was crazy. Loomisville would have won in week, maybe less." "I had a brilliant campaign laid out," the mayor countered. "Besides, that is water under the dam. We need to concentrate on the present, and the lousy job I have been doing. Just look at the crime rate. It's gone up 500 percent under my administration." Town Marshall Carmella Casey said crime has indeed skyrocketed. "We've had two jaywalking arrests this year, and just last week I issued a parking ticket," she explained. "I don't know where Leroy is getting that 500 percent, because I only tagged one jaywalker last year, and didn't issue any parking tickets." "I simply drew that figure from thin air," the mayor acknowledged. "I'll say anything to get reelected. But what about my treatment of city employees? I have been a regular Simon Filigree on that front." "He has told me once or twice to pay more attention to the dials on the machinery," sewer plant chief engineer Gilhooly Gramartripe said. "But that's kind of hard when you have double vision most of the time." "I have persecuted the man," the mayor admitted, "and no amount of explanation will forgive me. On the other hand, we need to have a smooth operation at the sewer plant, and I'm sure all those dials have something to do with it. But, there I go being wishy-washy, just like I said I was. I can't wait until Saturday, when I can accuse myself of mud slinging and get back on the offensive." The mayor's election committee chairperson, his sister Wanda, said she was outraged by his accusations. "We will not stand for this," she fumed. "I categorically deny everything, including the rumor about me and Paul Boxtuttler which I started last week. But to clear the air once and for all, I propose a series of debates in which Leroy will defend and attack himself. He will alternately sit in once chair then the other, and by the end of the evening everyone should be completely confused, which has been our strategy from the beginning." Paul said he believed the mayor has been confused for some time, denied the rumor Wanda started but allowed he might be interested, and proposed the mayoral debates be held at the Tipple Time to make them more bearable. The mayor said he would be unable to make a decision until he consorted with himself and Wanda, and might not trust his word even then. Paul suggested they reconnoiter the Tipple Time just in case, and the mayor and Wanda readily agreed. (Editor' note: The Signal-Gazette will give full coverage to any debates the mayor holds with himself, especially if they are held at the Tipple Time.) Harriet Boardlift was at home and doing well last night after being lost for two days among the cement statues and birdbaths at the TackyTacky Cheapstuff Emporium on the Loomisville Road. She was reported missing Wednesday morning by her husband, Bernie, when he discovered he had eaten nothing but chips and cookies for two days and was running low on both. "I panicked when I couldn't find her," Bernie explained. "I thought I was going to have to leave the house to feed myself. I would have missed a whole afternoon of my TV shows." Bernie's distraught call to Stray County Sheriff Legible Thomas brought Lej and several pizza delivery people to the Boardlift home on Watusha Blvd. "He needed to have food in sight before he could calm down enough to tell us anything," Lej explained. "You know Bernie hasn't left that house since he and Harriet were married, and the idea of missing an afternoon of reruns had him hysterical. He calmed down when he saw the pizzas, but he still couldn't tell us anything. If Harriet isn't doing laundry or dishes or cooking for him he has no idea where she might be." Lej called out the Stray Lake Orienteering Club and the Unregulated Volunteer Militia and mounted a county wide search and rescue operation, rescuing the orienteerers and the militia but turning up no sign of Harriet. He called out for more pizza, watched an hour of the Brady Bunch marathon with Bernie, then had an inspiration: he went to the front yard to ask with his bullhorn if any of the neighbors had seen Harriet. Several had, and were able to give conflicting descriptions, especially about her character, but no one had any idea where she might be. As Lej was returning for the second hour of the marathon, he tripped over a birdbath and would have fallen to the ground had he not caught his gun belt on a statue of a gargoyle. After ripping several rounds into the statue, Lej returned to the house to ask Bernie where all the junk in his front yard came from. Bernie had no idea, naturally, but Lej began to suspect something, especially when Marsha dropped out of school to run off with the butcher. No, wait, he suspected Harriet had been buying stuff from the TackyTacky people, or at least stealing it. Emporium owner Duval Hennesbucket had no idea who or what might be wandering about in his cement menagerie, but invited Lej to mount a search if he pleased, so long as he did not break anything. Lej turned the orienteerers and militia loose and waited in the little shack Duval calls an office, getting marathon reports from Bernie on the half-hour. Just as Mr. Brady was about to lose the contract to redesign the White House because Peter had broken the president's nose with a football, Duval spotted Harriet stumbling out of the Virgins Mary and waddling ducks section of the emporium. She was soon seated in Lej's cruiser telling a tale of wandering hopelessly among Sacajaweas searching the horizon, shepherds leaning on crooks, giant cement baskets, and wildlife without number. "She said she needed an Orville and Wilbur Wright hanging from an airplane wing to fill the empty space on her lawn left when one of their dogs ran off," Lej explained. "She got back there amongst the mastodons and centipedes, discovered Duval had added a whole new section of unnamed winged creatures, and was soon as disoriented as most of the orienteering club." Harriet said she found water in many crevices on the statues, and picked blackberries from a patch she discovered among a gaggle of half-naked Greek heroes. She allowed she had worried about Bernie running out of food, but decided it was not worth much of her time because he can stand to lose about 100 pounds at the least. Bernie was relieved to hear his wife was safe, and Lej was relieved to hear the president had decided not to hold a grudge. Duval said he would be relieved when all the orienteerers and militia were finally retrieved, because he has a shipment of Civil War soldiers coming next week and could see mayhem in the future. |
| ©2000, Robert A. Markwalter. All rights reserved. |