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September October | November | December | Home Mayor will debate himself August 1, 2000 Stray dogs destroy time capsule; ripe sausage is blamed August 8, 2000 Lottery winner takes home $2.17 and a dead cat August 15, 2000 Schools open with only one busjacking August 22, 2000 Mayor accuses himself of being overwrought August 29, 2000 Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer has agreed in principle to a debate with himself, but is arguing about such particulars as how long it will last, who will be the moderator, and whether he will be allowed one or two lecterns. About the only thing he could agree on was to hold it at the Tipple Time and offer free beer to lure an audience. "I'll be there if the beer is free," Third District Councilperson Paul Boxtuttler allowed. "But I still think Leroy should be debating himself in a padded broom closet." "I take exception to that," Leroy told this reporter, "and I believe my opponent does also. That's right, I do, too." You will recall that the mayor leveled a variety of accusations against himself two weeks ago when he found he was running dead last in the polls even though he is unopposed. His charges included being soft on crime, hard on city employees, and wishy-washy about most other things. He denied all allegations, which brought the challenge to a debate from his campaign manager and sister, Wanda. "I didn't think he'd have the guts to accept," Wanda said after the mayor's announcement. "But I will stick by my insistence that he be allowed at least two chairs, if only one lectern. How stupid would it look for him to get out of his chair, attack himself, sit back down, then get up and deny his charges?" "Maybe we can lock Leroy and Wanda in that padded broom closet while the rest of us drink the free beer," Paul offered. "Furthermore, the rumor Wanda started about the two of us is absolutely untrue, and I hope my second wife, Earnina, reads this and believes it." Earnina Boxtuttler said she was leaning toward the negative on that one, but would be willing to moderate for the mayor. The mayor said he was leaning toward Lou the bartender, but Lou said he never talked politics with the customers, leaving the issue unsettled. "Maybe Leroy could also be the moderator," Wanda suggested. "That way he could ask the questions he wanted to answer and cut himself off if he got too windy." Louvania Hipple, President of the Stray Lake League of Confused Voters, said she was confused by the issue. "If there's free beer, who cares what other nonsense goes on?" she asked. "The League of Confused Voters has tried for years to educate the public to this fact, but we evidently have a long way to go. We will redouble our efforts to reach school children earlier, especially with our 'Don't Sell Your Vote Cheaply' campaign." "I can buy votes?" the mayor asked. "Wow! Think of the sensational charges I could level against myself for that. Uh, can I take a tax writeoff?" "For that and your therapy," Paul told him. "Both of you." (Reporter's note: I am going to be ill.) Stray dogs destroy time capsule; ripe sausage is blamed By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer The time capsule that was to be buried under the fountain and statue of Colonel Richardson on the Town Square was destroyed by a pack of stray dogs last Thursday when Charlie Keckle dropped it on his way to the interment ceremony. "The dogs just came out of nowhere and started chasing me, maybe because of the sausage in the capsule," he explained. "That sausage had gotten kind of ripe in the six months since we put it in there, and it leaked through the cardboard. I guess I just panicked and tossed it at them." The capsule was the brainchild of Olivia Wigger, a sophomore at the Stray Lake Alternative Grade and High School and Hand Laundry. "We were doing Alva Figby's socks one afternoon, and I remarked they were so old they belonged in a time capsule," she explained. "I got to thinking about that, and I put them in such a capsule, then invited my friends to contribute. I said I would take anything, but did draw the line at Henry Strump's grandparents who simply both would not fit. I understand he eventually unloaded them on a larger capsule in Loomisville, but we have operated on limited resources." The crowd which had gathered for the ceremony was disappointed, as was jackhammer operator Thor Vibragut. "I have wished for years to hammer my way under the fountain and statue of Colonel Richardson and thought this was my chance," Thor explained. "Then that coward Charlie drops the precious capsule to a few ravenous dogs and my opportunity is gone. Of course, I may come back after the Tipple Time closes and fire up Old Boomer here, but I will not know that until the moment seizes me, or until county sheriff Legible Thomas does that job." The crowd milled about for a while after Charlie admitted to his capsule tossing, then turned ugly. They began to fling their souvenir programs into the fountain, and finally went in search of the dogs who had cheated them of their encapsulement. "My grandfather's mustache cup was in that cardboard box," Kectham Durant explained. "Also his mustache, which was still stuck to him. We dug him up about three months ago, just so he could have a place before the box filled up. And to think he's being dragged around town by a pack of stray dogs ... it makes my blood boil. No, wait, Alma cooked with hot peppers tonight. Ah, let's forget Grandpa and just go to the Tipple Time." Viaxia Hormel was less willing to give up the chase, saying her son's favorite teddy bear and the cuckoo clock she had bought on her honeymoon in Loomsiville were in the capsule. "The clock had been broken since it fell off the wall the day after we put it up, but the bear was still in good shape," she said "In fact it's in better shape than my son, and probably smarter, too. I think we ought to tar and feather Charlie, or maybe bury him instead of the capsule." The stray dogs were not found, but bits and pieces of the capsule showed up along streets and on the shores of beautiful Stray Lake. Many people were able to retrieve somewhat intact their precious artifacts, and Dumpsters soon overflowed. "I propose we bury several Dumpsters," Olivia proposed. "This would be a fitting cross section of Stray Lake and easier than keeping rotting stuff in a cardboard box in my bedroom. I will get another pair of socks from Alva and toss them into a Dumpster, and we can let the time encapsulating resume." "I'm sorry, but it's dollar-a-pitcher hour at the Tipple Time and I'm late already," said Thor. "Maybe later, say three or four o'clock this morning, Pumpkin?" Thor was reported doing well at Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic, but Old Boomer was in critical condition at Kullum's Garage. Stray Lake Lottery winner Beulah Lipster was overjoyed to find she held all the right numbers for Thursday's drawing until she learned the prize was $2.17 and a dead cat. "We had a lot of expenses," Lottery Commissioner T. Bunkum Pilfer explained. "My secretary, Mildred, and I had to investigate lotteries in other states, particularly warm and exotic ones, and even other countries. Do you know how expensive some of those hotels in Paris can be? I tell you, if the Decaying Arms Hotel and Billiard Room in Loomisville tried to charge those rates, they'd be out of business in a week." Beulah said she did not care about the Decaying Arms, but had spent $5 on lottery tickets in the expectations of a greater return. "This $2.17 puts me in the hole," she explained. "And then there's the cat. They just handed it to me, by the tail, and I didn't know what to do, so I brought it home. My husband Henry is allergic to cats, even dead ones, and now he is sneezing his way over to Doc Pandemic's office for a shot and will probably stop at the Tipple Time for several more on the way home. Also, this cat has been deceased for some time and is beginning to smell like it. I want to throw it in the garbage, but hate to part with my lottery winnings. Why a dead cat?" "That was our office cat, Bigbucks," Bunkum explained. "A file cabinet fell over on him a couple of weeks ago while I was chasing Mildred around the office. My nephew, Plunder, didn't get here to lift the cabinet off him until Beulah came in to claim her prize. I handed him to her expecting her to drop him in the garbage can on her way out the door. He was not part of the prize, but if this is popular we might make it a regular thing, perhaps even using live cats. Maybe we will even use cats instead of money, so Mildred and I can do more investigations." Stray Lake activist and general buttinski Nosey Gadabout quickly called for an investigation of the lottery. "No one ever wins the thing," Nosey charged. "And what about the funds that were supposed to be used for street repair? We're still losing cars in those potholes once or twice a week." Bunkum said Nosey's allegations "are not entirely fair. Beulah is actually the third winner in the 10-year history of the lottery. I won five years ago, and Mildred won last year. That's another reason there was only $2.17 in the kitty. My prize was $175,000 and Mildred took home $250,000. We didn't publicize our good luck because we did not want to be besieged by distant relatives and charitable organizations." Nosey said he planned to bring the matter to the attention of the town council and ask the mayor to put it on his agenda when he debates himself. Beulah said she was relieved to hear Bigbucks was not part of the prize, but was growing fond of him and planned to have him stuffed. "I think $2.17 will get the job done, and I will spray him in plastic coating to cut down on the dander for Henry's sake. He will look good sitting in the window and will be extremely cheap to keep as a pet," she said. "But I have to tell you, I think I will no longer play the lottery because one cat is about enough." By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer Public schools opened Monday in Stray Lake and new superintendent Webster Nottaclue reported a smooth start with only one busjacking, 47 lost kindergarten students, four teacher resignations and two commitments, and just a single case of ptomaine in the cafeteria. "Best first day I can remember," said Web, who moved from the Stray Lake Elementary principal's job into the superintendent's office after skillfully blackmailing former superintendent Walter Infusion into resigning. "He was a dweeb, and wasn't every careful besides," Web explained. "Anyway, we're off to a good start and I'm hoping the insurance premiums will drop since there were no reports of arson. I don't want them to drop too much, of course, since my agency carries the policy, but I am looking for a raise next year and the money has to come from somewhere. We've just about taxed this district to the limit." Stray Lake High Principal Homer Nottaclue said enrollment at his building is a robust 250 students, with another 100 or so not so robust and at least 50 "in pretty sorry shape. I don't know what their parents feed them at home, but it's a cinch they aren't going to fatten up on Donzetta's cooking here in the cafeteria." Head cook Donzetta Wiltbreath would not speak to this reporter about the matter. (Whew! Dodged another one.) The Middle School was also off to a good start, complete with new books. "We have four new books this year, which means each of our 200 students should get to use a new text three, maybe four times a year," principal Hector Nottaclue beamed. "We also have a new water fountain, in my new office, which is several miles from the school. Do you know how noisy those kids can be? I could hardly sleep last year." Elementary principal Julius Nottaclue, newly hired from a field of no other candidates, said the 47 lost kindergartners had "been mostly found, though we're still tracking two or three. You wouldn't think they could get so far on those short legs, but they can fool you." Julius explained the lost children "just got on the wrong buses. I don't understand how, because all those buses have great big numbers on them, and we handed every one of those kids a complete listing of our bus routes. I guess we've just got a dumb bunch of rug rats this year." Superintendent Nottaclue said the single busjacking marked a 20-year low in that category, and was brought to a peaceful conclusion when the bus driver "caught that punk off guard and smacked him with a tire iron, then beat him to a pulp and threw him into a ditch. That sensitivity training course my counseling company sold the corporation really paid off, didn't it?" Web said the four teachers who resigned will "probably nor be replaced, since they were all elementary people and those kids are usually content to watch TV. We'll probably wait until next fall to hire anyone. Remember, I need that raise. The feds are hot on my tax trail." The superintendent added that the committed teachers would definitely not be replaced because "they are high school people and we can get them work passes from Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic. Those high school kids like to throw things at their teachers when they're all trussed in those straight jackets, and we think that holds down the general level of vandalism." Finally, Web said he was looking forward to the annual fall break. "That's when I get back from a working trip to study schools in Aruba," he explained, "and I leave the next week for a similar study in Tahiti." Mayor Leroy Werzbrimmer has accused himself of being "overwrought, overtaxed, overburdened, and just generally over the top," in the latest attack of the reelection season. "I deny ever saying that, and I will deny it when I debate myself," the mayor denied about an hour later at a sparsely attended press conference at Tipple Time. "But I will defend to the death my right to say it. Of course if I die defending my right to talk, I probably won't be able to say anything else, but we'll cross that bridge when we maneuver in its direction." "The mayor is a giant walking carrot," Third District Councilperson Paul Boxtuttler remarked. "The most intelligent thing he's ever said is, 'I don't know,' and that's when I asked him one night at the Tipple Time if he was wearing undershorts." The mayor staunchly denied being unaware of wearing or not wearing undershorts, then immediately attacked himself on this issue. "If I don't wear undershorts, what kind of example am I providing the youth of Stray Lake?" he asked. There generally being slack jaws and blank faces in answer, he said, "I tell you, underwear is what separates this country from the rest of the world! Do you find your Russians and Chinese wearing underwear? Not that I've seen!" Asked how many Russians and Chinese he had seen without outer garments, the mayor again went on the attack against himself. "How irresponsible can I be?" he asked. "Who cares if the Russians or Chinese wear undergarments? Who cares if I wear undergarments? Who cares if I wear ladies undergarments?" Mayor Wertzbrimmer's reelection committee chairperson, his sister Wanda, said she had no problem with Leroy wearing ladies undergarments "so long as they are not mine." Winnie Wertzbrimmer agreed she had no problem with what Leroy wore "but I wish he'd stop dressing our little poodle, Whoopsie, in doll clothes. Whoopsie has had six accidents this week, and I believe it is because she scares herself when she walks by the mirror in those dresses. I tell you, Leroy has not been the same since he agreed to debate himself and neither have I. He practices on me, and I can't remember which one of him I'm supposed to be. Sometimes, I can't remember which one of me I'm supposed to be." "That's politics," the mayor allowed. "Sometimes even I have trouble remembering who I am, let alone what kind of underwear I've got on. But I can promise you, whichever one of me I am I will raise this issue during the debate with myself. You can count on that." Faced with this prospect, the press conference adjourned to the bar where Lou the bartender stood a round and handed out mail order lingerie catalogues. |
| ©2000, Robert A. Markwalter. All rights reserved. |