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March Madness hits the Tipple Time
By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer "Are we going to see much March Madness here at the Tipple Time?" Euflatula Windgate asked Lou the bartender last week. "Why, have the Gruntlick twins escaped from the state asylum again?" asked Lou. "Not that kind of madness," explained Euflatula. "I mean NCAA Basketball Tournament madness." "Well, you know how popular the Farm Channel is at this time of the year," Lou warned her. "But we're talking basketball here," said Euflatula. "Hours and hours of college basketball. The fans go berserk. That's why they call it March Madness." Doc Pandemic strolled up to the bar and said, "I heard that rumor, too, but it isn't true. The warden at the state asylum just assured me the Gruntlick twins are safe in their padded cell. Bobby is beating himself with a newspaper and George is writing a doctoral thesis about it. Draw me a tall one, Lou. Just thinking about those boys works up my thirst." Euflatula snorted and said, "Would you two stop talking about those twins and concentrate on basketball? Lou, I'll bet you could sell tons of beer if you would turn off that farm stuff and switch to March Madness." "The Gruntlick twins went over the wall?" asked chef Juan de Fuca as he appeared with a steaming plate of something that grabbed everyone's attention. "Is that stuff moving?" asked Doc. "Goldfish aside, they always told us in medical school that food should be dead before you eat it." "It is dead," Juan assured him. "It's my pickled cabbage. I've had it buried in a crock out back for six months. That's just the fermentation you see bubbling." "I see worms crawling around," reported Euflatula. "Oh," said Juan. "Maybe I should have put a lid on it, huh?" "Lou, you could even sell that stuff if you showed basketball," said Euflatula. "Those fans swill beer until they see four teams on the floor instead of two and then they eat anything that is put before them. Of course, you might want to drug those worms to slow them down a bit, because the fans have a bit of a fine motor skills problem at that juncture." Juan said, "I think she's got something there, Lou. I could put out a March Madness spread - little melon balls, maybe spaghetti hung on empty tuna fish cans to resemble hoops and nets ... I could even train the roaches to jump up and down and throw chairs!" "I like it," said Euflatula. "Especially the chair throwing. I'm really a hockey fan at heart, you know, but nobody in Stray Lake will watch it with me." "That's because we see enough blood every time Juan cooks steak," said Doc. "You order it rare," Juan reminded him. "But not moving," said Doc. "Can we get back to basketball?" asked Euflatula. "It has recently become violent enough to interest me and I would like to watch March Madness." "The Gruntlick twins are on the loose again?" asked waitress Dorothea Deluney as she came up to the bar. "Oh my aching derriere. Those boys have more hands than a watchmaker's shop." "The last time they busted out, George told me he was writing a doctoral thesis on derrieres" Lou recalled. "You want to see derrieres, tune in some basketball," Euflatula advised. "I remember one night when a player jumped right out of his shorts." "That might put off your religious drinkers," Lou said. "But not your nudists," Euflatula reminded him. "I think those two in the doorway might put everyone off," Dorothea said. "My God, it's the Gruntlick twins!" said Doc. "I'll never believe that lying warden again, even if he is my sister, or at least was before he had that operation." "Mix me a triple something," Dorothea told Lou. "I'll be back for it as soon as I go to the ladies room to slip into that girdle I keep for just such occasions as these." "Hey Lou!" called Bobby. "Got any of Juan's stinking fish I can beat myself over the head with?" "How about a basketball?" asked Euflatula. "Thanks, but I had one for lunch," George told her. "I'm writing a doctoral thesis about lunching on basketballs." "Have you ever thought about doing a paper on throwing chairs across basketball courts?" asked Euflatula. "That's an intriguing idea," George said. "How about we watch some March Madness on the television, have a bite to eat, and talk about it?" "Ouch!" cried Euflatula. "Keep your hands to yourself. But I'm cool with the hoops." "Juan," Lou said as he picked up the TV remote, "pitch that pickled cabbage into the microwave and open a box of crackers." "I love crackers," said Bobby. "Can I take off my clothes and beat myself over the head with some?" Doc drained his drink and said, "I should not have caved in and done that operation." "The sex change on your sister or brother?" asked Lou. "No, the lobotomy on Gertrude, the twins' mother," said Doc. "She used it as an excuse to pretend she didn't know them, then went to Reno with a used car salesman from Loomisville." "I would never hit myself over the head with a used car," Bobby confided. "That might hurt. Even without my clothes on." "Ouch!" Copyright 2004, Robert A. Markwalter Bookmark this site!
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