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Local man named to 'America's Most Boring' By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer Stray Lake resident Amble Slowly has been named to the latest edition of "Who's Who Among the Most Boring People in America." "This is a prestigious honor," 'Most Boring' editor Dullum Duller wrote in a letter congratulating Amble. After that, the writing kind of trailed off, as if Duller had gone to sleep over the paper. "I never heard of such a publication," Lou the bartender admitted at Amble's celebratory outing at the Tipple Time. "But if boring people are going to be honored, Amble certainly deserves his kudos. He's been after me ever since Lawrence Welk went off the air to put some of that champagne music on the jukebox. I get sleepy just listening to Amble talk about it, let alone actually hearing the music." Amble sat by himself at the end of the bar celebrating with a Shirley Temple. "I usually have prune juice," he explained. "But what they hey, you gotta cut loose for an event like this. It's the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me, including my wedding night." "Please don't elaborate," suggested Lou. "But that was pretty exciting," explained Amble. "Gertrude and I stayed up until eleven-thirty watching a really racy movie starring Rock Hudson and Doris Day before my mother-in-law made me go home so Gertrude could get her beauty rest." "Probably a little late for that," Lou mumbled. "What?" asked Amble. "Uh, I wonder who nominated you for this singular honor," Lou said. "I suppose it was Gertrude," said Amble. "By the way, where is Gertrude?" asked Lou. "She ran off three years ago with that assistant accountant at the broom factory," said Amble. "I guess I didn't notice," admitted Lou. "Neither did I until about a year ago," said Amble. "That's when I ran out of frozen dinners and left her a note asking her to buy more the next time she went to the grocery. When I didn't find any dinners after another month I looked all over for her and found a note she had left me saying she was going away with the accountant." "I'm sorry," said Lou. "Oh, I can't blame her," said Amble. "I am kind of boring, and that accountant was a suave devil if ever there was one. His socks usually matched, he had very few stains on his shirts, and his hair does not stand up in the back like mine does." "Your hair no longer stands up in the back," Lou pointed out. "You are completely bald." "Really?" said Amble. "I have not cleaned the bathroom mirror since Gertrude left so I did not know. I feel like a new man. Lou, point me to a hot babe and turn me loose." "My grandmother is out of town this week," Lou told him. "Why don't you have another Shirley Temple and pretend Lawrence Welk is here at the bar having one with you?" "Wow!" said Amble. "This is a big night!" Copyright 2003, Robert A. Markwalter Bookmark this site!
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