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From our news pages, Feb. & March (part I)
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September October | November | December | Home Ice fishing called when fisherman sinks (and stinks) Feb. 23, 2000 Spider feet spark debate at town council Feb. 23, 2000 Bank merger creates monopoly March 1, 2000 Flamethrower melts grill March 1, 2000 Caesar pulls machine gun at Ladies Guild pageant March 8, 2000 Handyman club will erect useless works on Town Square March 8, 2000 Ice Fishing called when fisherman sinks (and stinks) By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer The annual Stray Lake Ice Fishing and Scum Beast Sculpting Contest had to be cancelled just after it opened last week when organizers discovered the lake was not frozen over. "I dunno how we could have missed that," committee chairwoman Gloria Trufflesnout explained. "But when Elmer Luddendorf launched his hut down Trafalgar Hill, shot out onto the lake, and began to sink like a rock, we suspected something was not right." Elmer also suspected this and his shouts brought rescuers, who dragged him out and warmed him up by the fireplace at the Tipple Time while he called his lawyer, Bumbles Hatrack. Elmer downed several quick shots while explaining things to Bumbles, then left the matter with the barrister, who has not won a case in anyone's memory. Still, Elmer allowed that the thought of suing Gloria, who left him standing at the altar in 1978, was a comforting one, as was the idea of another shot by the fireplace. Gloria told a news conference the next day that she had only left Elmer at the altar because she found out he was already married, and added that the committee had evidently overlooked the unfrozen lake because they had not paid much attention to things this year. "We've all been kind of busy," she shrugged, "so we just ordered the trophies, beer, and bratts and figured things would handle themselves like they usually do." Stray Lake County Sanitation Officer and Auditor Wolf Hickybreath is investigation the incident, after County Sheriff Legible Thomas said he suspected pollutants could have kept the lake from freezing. "The stench darned near knocked me over when I arrived at the scene," Lej told this reporter. "Even allowing for Elmer's bathing habits, it was obvious there was something besides the sewer plant in the air. I think it might be that new rodent processing facility over near Loomisville, which is likely emptying its waste products into Stray Creek and thus into beautiful Stray Lake." Officials at the Rodents R Us Cannery and Coat Manufacturing Emporium near Loomisville would not comment officially on Lej's allegations, but company president Calvin Clutch told this reporter off the record the sheriff was a jerk. "We promised him rodent-hair bomber jackets for all his deputies if he would just take his nose elsewhere," Clutch groused, "and that offer is definitely gone." The Scum Beast sculpting did go on as planned, with two long tons of ice blocks hauled in from the Messier Bros. food locker. Best of Show went to Louise Ritticult, who used a chain saw to carve a lovely Art Nouveau version of the furtive lake menace. She also used the saw to run off all the other competitors, and so took second and third place honors. The melting ice swept her statue into the lake, where several revelers leaving the post-sculpting party at the Tipple Time reported the real Scum Beast attempting mating maneuvers with it, but those reports must be viewed as unreliable at best, considering Elmer was one of reporters. The ice runoff did raise the lake level several inches, and appears to have swept the rodent factory sludge over the spillway and on downstream to become someone else's problem. Elmer's ice hut was also seen on its way downstream. Gloria promised the ice fishing contest would be held when and if the lake freezes, assuring everyone the committee would check before scheduling things again. She added she would consider another go-round of the altar with Elmer if he can prove he is no longer married as he claims, and if he bathes after his latest go-round in the lake. There was quite a to-do at the town council meeting last Wednesday when Second District Councilperson Louise Taylor-Gumblatt noticed a big spider crawling up her leg. Louise slapped the thing hard, and yelled, "Get your slimy tentacles off me, you ugly lecher!" Third District Councilperson Paul Boxtuttler, who had evidently drifted off during Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer's explanation of the financing of the new sewer plant, woke with a start and hollered, "I haven't touched you since that cities and towns convention in Duluth!" Earnina Boxtuttler, Paul's second wife, looked up from the knitting she always does during the council meetings and said, "Paul, I thought you told me you didn't go to that meeting in Duluth, but instead went to see your great aunt at the Mayo Clinic." Louise, who was evidently still worrying about the spider, said, "I'll stomp you to death, you liberty-taking bug!" Earnina started for the front of the council chambers with one of her knitting needles and told Louise, "He's my husband, and if anybody's gonna stomp on him, that'll be me." First District Councilperson Peter Epply made a motion that the meeting be adjourned, and following a quick second from Fourth District Councilperson Jay Fliptrickle, Jr., Mayor Wertzbrimmer gaveled the proceedings to a close and the council moved in to keep Louise and Earnina at bay. Paul seems to have left the building before the gavel fell, and has not returned this reporter's phone calls. Louise says she was distraught from spider feet on her leg and will have nothing more to add. Before the spider incident, the council passed an ordinance outlawing headless chicken racing in the town limits. Jimmy Drew, who had been holding the events behind Lukmiller's feed store, argued that his first amendment right to race headless things was being trompled all over, but nobody paid him any mind. After the meeting, he told this reporter he planned to contact the civil libertarian people, and in the meantime find something else to race. "Heck," he commented, "there's lots of things that will run around like chickens with their heads off, including the town council." The only other business before council involved the new sewer plant, but since nobody understood any of the complicated legal stuff it was just as well the spider incident called a halt to that line of discussion until town attorney Josiah Brief gets out on parole next month. The near disaster last Tuesday at George Hiram's residence probably was not caused by the careless use of charcoal lighter, according to fire chief Randy Mossbreath, but could have been connected to George's use of a flamethrower to heat up the coals in his grill quicker. "Let's make that a probably," Randy confided over a drink at the Tipple Time, where fire fighters gathered after the event to clear their throats. "We'll have to talk to the state fire marshal about it, but that big, ragged, black-edged hole in the shed behind where the grill stood sure points to something besides that little-bitty butane thing George usually uses to fire up." Randy said Helen Hiram had purchased the flamethrower as an anniversary present for George last winter over the Internet, hoping he would use it to melt the snow from their sidewalk. But instead George sat as usual before the TV while Helen slid out of the house to work. Then last week, when George hauled the grill out during that warm spell we had, he got impatient with his smoldering coals and remembered the gift in the garage. "I suppose he does not watch war movies on the TV," Randy conjectured, "or he would have known how far those danged things shoot fire. The way it seems to me, the charcoal went up in the first blast, the grill wasn't far behind it, and by the time George got his finger off the trigger there was that big hole in the shed. They haven't seen the dog since, but we've had reports of a lion roaming the north side of town, and you know how much hair that dog had. I figure he was napping in the shed, got his hind parts singed, and what's left up front looks like a mane, so we're pretty sure he's okay." George would not comment for this story, other than to remind this reporter he still had the flamethrower, and Helen has been visiting her sister in Loomisville since the incident. Randy said the whole business brought up the matter of grilling in safety, and surmised he would have to add not using a flamethrower to fire department warnings about avoiding gasoline as a starting tool. He also advised tying the dog somewhere a good distance from the proceedings, and cooking everything (except the dog) thoroughly. The Stray Lake First Savings, Loan, and Drive Through Mortgage Company and the State Depository Bank of Stray Lake announced last Friday they will merge under the name Monopoly Bank and Trust. The new institution will be the only bank between here and Loomisville, and if Friday's press conference was any indication they plan to act like it. Adolphus Smith, CEO of First Savings, said he had elected himself COB (Chairman of the Board) of the new bank, since he owned most of the stock. He then elected Naomi Henderson, CEO of State Depository, as the President of Monopoly, in deference to her second-highest holdings. Rumor has it Naomi also holds some photos from a bankers convention in Haiti when she and Adolphus were considerably younger. The new bank will have a capitalization of almost $400,000, but also a line of credit to Henrietta Stipps, great-aunt of both the new COB and President. Henrietta, you might recall, is the widow of Silas Stipps, who made a fortune in uranium out west then slipped off the rim of the Grand Canyon while on his honeymoon. Rough luck for Henrietta to be left with that fortune, but they say she has made the best of it and is living with some young buck in Tahiti. The new bank will set up shop in the State Depository Building, since Adolphus was running the trust company out of his garage, which he had whacked the back out of for the drive through. Naomi said a drive through would be built onto State Depository for the trust company customers, but until it is in use she suggested people just toss their payments up to the front door and let Adolphus run out to pick them up. Monopoly Bank and Trust will begin a major restructuring next week, according to Adolphus, and could cut their staff by one third. It is even money whether head cashier Brenda Albright or janitor Whip Eppley will be the one let go, because it is a cinch Adolphus's secretary and maiden sister, Jannine, will remain on the payroll, due in part to she being the one who had the camera in Haiti. Naomi said Monopoly's loan policy will be to get all they can while keeping clean enough for the bank examiners. She said would-be borrowers will have to have plenty of money or property they are willing to be foreclosed, and can expect rudeness. She added the bank will offer free checking for herself and Adolphus. Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer said he would have no comment on the merger, since both Adolphus and Naomi hold mortgages on his house, marina, and chili parlor. But he did say he believed the street-paving schedule has been recently amended to put Sublet Blvd., which runs in front of the bank, at the top of the list. Town Marshall Eloise Casey said she looked forward to an easier time of things with only one vault to guard, but later learned Naomi and Adolphus plan to keep separate vaults. The Stray Lake Ladies Guild annual reenactment of the Death of Julius Caesar on the Town Square ran into a snag this year when Caesar pulled an Uzi to defend himself from the conspirators. Instead of crying, "Et tu, Brute?" Caesar, played for the 14th straight year by Eloise Whistle, whipped the machine gun from under his toga and yelled, "Not this year, girls!" Then he squeezed off a warning volley that took out the plate glass window of Elkus's Hardware Store and made the store cat, Mick, a Manx. Eloise stood gaping at the gun as the reenactment ground to a halt and Elkus's emptied itself of customers. Brutus, played for the 10th straight year by Florimunda Hippodrome, fainted dead away into the fountain and had to be pulled out and given mouth-to-mouth by young Joe Fulwhomper, who was in attendance with the Stray Lake High Glee Club. Florimunda came around pretty quickly, got an eyeful of young Joe, and latched onto him like an octopus. Meanwhile, town marshal Carmella Casey and county sheriff Legible Thomas had arrived and began to argue about who had jurisdiction. At about this same time young Joe broke away from Florimunda and began to flee for his life, and Alvin Elkus charged through his shattered window with a pitchfork shouting, "That cat had the longest tail in Stray County, and somebody's gonna pay!" Eloise, figuring that somebody might be Caesar, let loose with another warning volley, this one taking out the rear window of Lej's sheriff car and the portable piano brought by the glee club. Pretty much everybody scattered at this point, leaving only young Joe and Florimunda on the square, she chasing him around the fountain. Eloise looked at the gun and squeezed off another burst, decapitating every parking meter in front of the courthouse. Carmella and Lej were now huddled behind Lej's car, still arguing, and Alvin and his pitchfork were hiding behind Carmella's cruiser. Young Joe made a break from his circles of the fountain, ducked behind the cruiser, backed into the pitchfork, and shot himself straight up the statue of Colonel Richardson, coming to rest near the tip of the colonel's outstretched sword. Florimunda looked up at him, hiked her toga, and waded into the water. Lej and Carmella had got together by this time, and Lej used his bullhorn to shout, "Drop the gun, Eloise, in the name of the county sheriff and the town marshal!" Carmella grabbed the bullhorn from Lej and shouted, "You said town marshal would come first!" As they fell to arguing again, Eloise squeezed off another, this one catching the colonel's sword at the hilt and dropping young Joe onto Florimunda. They say you could hear the lad's screams over the jukebox at the Tipple Time. Eloise, who now had a big grin on her face, pointed her weapon at the offices of attorney Bumbles Hatrack, whom she has never forgiven for allowing her ex-husband, Whip, to get the dog in their divorce settlement. Bumbles, who had evidently been watching from his digs over the hardware store, waved a white hanky from a window, then threw out something that looked suspiciously like a stuffed dog. Eloise lost her smile, dropped the gun, and charged across the street. Lej, Carmella, and several of the glee club boys managed to wrestle her to the ground before she got hold of Bumbles, but it was touch and go for a time. In the back of Carmella's cruiser (the window being gone from Lej's), Eloise told this reporter she thought the Uzi was one of her nephew's toy guns, which she intended only as a joke. She said she has no idea how the young man came by the real thing, but suspects his summer college internship in Bolivia, and plans to speak to his dean. She explained that she just got carried away after the initial mayhem, is extremely sorry about the cat, and will give Alvin the tail of her late Siamese, Waldorf, whom she has stuffed over the mantel, to even things out. Alvin is still thinking it over. Bumbles is still at the Tipple Time, where he retreated out the back door (turns out the "dog" was an old teddy bear Bumbles keeps in the office to give himself a better reputation - as if anything could help - and he figured it might give him time to slip away). The glee club has vowed never to do another Death of Caesar. Young Joe has gone to live with relatives in Loomisville. And Lej and Carmella were last seen arguing more jurisdiction in a back booth at the Tipple Time, where the ladies guild had adjourned to rehearse their next offering, the Second Battle of the Bull Run. Handyman club will erect useless works on Town Square By Wilma Whipstittle Signal-Gazette Staff Writer The Hammer Slammers Handyman's Club has voted to put up a scaffold around the fountain and statue of Colonel Richardson on the Town Square, whether anyone else wants it or not. The club met last Tuesday in the back room at Elkus's Hardware. Following the opening gavel, Roger Adderly moved for adjournment but was laid out on a workbench and given some coffee while the meeting proceeded. Club President Alvin Elkus reported there were again no minutes from the last meeting, which were approved, then said club treasurer Hi Lapscomb reported about $127 in the kitty, give or take. Speaker for the evening, Lou Jennings of the Questionable Tools Company, was introduced and showed us his new line of power equipment, some of which worked. Lou also demonstrated first aid. Roger woke up and moved for adjournment but was ignored, and we talked about what civic projects we would undertake for the coming year. Alvin said our choices would be kind of limited, due to no one wanting us near their property for fear of higher insurance rates, but since this is an election year he hoped we could talk the town council into letting us do something in the park. Henry Vermildihide said "something in the park" sounded awfully vague, and believed we needed to be more specific even in an election year. Connie Bulfong then moved that we erect a scaffold around the fountain and statue of Colonel Richardson in the Town Square. There was much discussion of how much value a scaffold would have, considering there is no work to be done on the statue or the fountain, but when Connie pointed out how many power tools and how much lumber we could use in the construction, the motion passed unanimously. Roger woke up and moved for adjournment, and we began a discussion of who should be chairman of the scaffold project. Connie said she should be the chairPERSON, since it was her idea, but the members were pretty near unanimous that having a girl in charge would make us look bad, so Connie was named assistant chairPERSON. There was much more discussion, but no one wanted to be chairMAN so the job was left vacant and we agreed Connie should be in de-facto charge if she didn't act too bossy in public. Reports on individual projects included Henry's tool chest, which is now in its thirty seventh week of construction with no end in sight, but it will be huge and Henry says he is smacking his fingers fewer and fewer times each night. Jordan Engle reported his gun cabinet is doing well since he started over and measured his guns first. Don Hyde said the paint should be dry on his doghouse by tomorrow and he can begin sanding out the spot where his dog, Clementine, had a bad experience with a passing cat. Emil Treakle reported his computer hutch is nearly finished, but allowed the next one he builds will be without his son Donnie using the computer while he works on it. There being no further business, we waited for Roger to wake up and move for adjournment but when he did not we adjourned anyway to the Tipple Time where the drinks were on Lou of Questionable Tools. Note: Since the Death of Caesar incident left Elkus's without a front window, the Hammer Slammers have volunteered to install the replacement, but insurance agent Connie Furlong laughed so hard she had to be given oxygen so it looks like our project will still be the scaffold on the square. |
| ©2000, Robert A. Markwalter. All rights reserved. |