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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Blue picks up presidential backing
in independent White House bid

Campaign manager: 3 - 0 lead on Trump

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Blue the dead dog's third party run for President got a boost today when he was endorsed by three former presidents, Theodore Roosevelt, Grover Cleveland, and Ban Johnson, who was president of the American League from 1901 to 1927.

"That makes us one ahead of what Hillary is likely to get and three to zip over Donald," crowed Blue's campaign manager Lucrecia Borgia. "I'm working on getting Lincoln into the fold, but his people still need some convincing."

"Do you think you're likely to get any endorsements from living Presidents?" wondered Lou the bartender.

"I've reached out to several, but have not heard anything," said Lucrecia. "You'd at least think Fred Cullaway would get back to me. He's President of the Optimistic Club of Brakethwait Corners.

"They have something to be optimistic about in Brakethwait Corners?" mused Dorothea Deluney as she passed with a tray of drinks.

"No, but the club is working on it," explained Lucrecia.

"And just how did you come by the backing of three dead presidents?" wondered Lou.

"Weed Combine," said Lucrecia. "He's a philatelist."

"I had no idea he collected stamps," admitted Lou.

"No, he talks to dead people," said Lucrecia.

"He ought to drop by here more often," said Dorothea. "He'd get an earful."

"I think you mean a psychic," suggested Lou.

"Well I'll admit he's a little strange, hanging out in cornfields all the time, but he is the assistant county agent."

"A psychic medium," said Lou.

"I didn't know they came in grades," said Dorothea.

"Go to the other end of the bar and see if the Rev. Haskall wants another drink," Lou suggested.

Lucrecia shrugged and said, "All I know is that he goes to his special fields and burns weeds and talks to ..."

"That's more than I want to know," said Lou.

"The Rev. says he'll have a double and Lucrecia, he can get several dead prophets on board for you if you'll bring Blue to church at Candle Creek next Sunday. They're offering immersions and he figures Blue might draw a crowd."

"Just as long as he doesn't try to wash him like he did last time," said Lucrecia. "Blue started to float off down the creek."

"I'll lay in some dry ice," said Chef Juan de Fuca. "Blue holds up much better when he's on a bed of dry ice."

"I'll get Weed, too," said Lucrecia. "Maybe he can conjure up somebody else."

"This could be a record immersion day," said the Rev. "Send out a case of something for me, Lou. I'll need stimulants to keep up my strength."

"Lou, can I have Sunday off?" said Dorothea.

"You want to go to the immersions?" wondered Lou.

"No, I think I'll find one of Weed's special fields and conjure up Florence Nightingale to nurse the walking wounded," said Dorothea.

blue for president

"The tap dancing pig"

The Tap Dancing Pig
Yes, the pig dances in these laugh-out-loud stories, but he really wants to direct. There is also a cattle drive to make John Wayne cringe, a giant shrimp with an endless thirst, and a lighthouse keeper who has so many personalities he can't keep track of which one he's having a conversation with. Gleaned from over 20 years of humor columns, these 35 stories (and a couple of bonuses at the end) will keep you in good spirits. So settle back as the Lincolns and Grants play poker at the White House, Teddy Roosevelt hits himself with a big stick, and anarchists refuse to reset their clocks. Oh yes, there's a detective on the trail of the Fat Man, just so the suspense won't sneak up on you (the laughs will be out in the open). Read these tales one a day or gulp them in a sitting, it's your limit of laughter that sets the agenda. Available at the Amazon Kindle Store for $2.99, free download for

The tap dancing pig

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest
A steamy romance, with twists and turns of menace and intrigue, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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From previous issues of the Signal-Gazette

Three way in the White House?

Butt sniffing before debates?    Blue claims rigor mortis discrimination

Blue launches Presidential bid    Strippers and hoops recruiting

dirty snowball fight    dead dog drop rings in New Year

Pope skips Stray Lake    Rev. Haskall on gay marriage

3-way runoff    Blue misses own funeral    Blue leads polls

Mayor run down during rectal exam    Soggy Leaves Festival opens

Council fights illegal aliens    Mutant firefly mating closes beach

garbage can debates    Nude zombie colony rezoning requested

Zucchini invasion panics town   Nude zombie colony rezoning requested

Battle of Atlanta reenacted   Marriage defined as one wombat, two tree sloths

Checkout machine mugs shoppers   Pope will not visit Stray Lake

Tiddlywinks match panics TV viewers   Court OKs secret ingredients

Hurler hits three with three pitches   Packing arms nixed at Tipple Time

Peeps reenact Battle of Waterloo   high fliers converge over sewage lagoon

Melon handling safer than snakes   April Fools' rumor crowds ER

Sewage lagoon nature trail reopens   Yak clogs drain

Delivery buzzards take flight   Chicken-powered bobsled lays an egg

Stray Lake U teams will join League of Women Voters   Town Council votes to Privatize itself

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Copyright 1996 - 2016, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.