|
A virtual - and virtually unbelievable - online newspaper of humor, satire, parody, and fun published for Stray Lake, Stray County, and straying minds everywhere |
|
Run That By Me Again by C.G. Scavola A tale of two species Once there was a little cottage deep in the woods. In the little cottage lived three bears: a papa bear, a mama bear, and an adolescent bear. "I hate you," the adolescent bear told the papa bear and the mama bear. "Can one of you drive me to the mall and pretend I'm not with you?" "Try to remember what a wonderful little boy he was," the papa bear told the mama bear. "Then can I strangle him?" the mama bear said. Life in the little cottage had a routine. In the morning, the mama bear would fix porridge and while it was cooling the three bears would take a walk in the woods. The adolescent bear always walked 35 feet behind his parents. "That's in case one of my friends went insane and wandered into this Godforsaken place," the adolescent bear said. Did I mention that I hate you?" One day when they came home from their walk, the three bears noticed their front door was open, although even the adolescent bear agreed that the papa bear had closed it. "I just hope it's not someone I know," said the adolescent bear. "I'll be traumatized." The three bears went into the house. "Someone's been eating my porridge," said the papa bear. "Someone's been eating my porridge," said the mama bear. "Someone's been eating my porridge," said the adolescent bear, "and it's all gone. Thank God. I hate that stuff. Why can't we have cold pizza for breakfast?" The three bears went to the living room. "Someone's been sitting in my chair," said the papa bear. "Someone's been sitting in my chair," said the mama bear. "Someone's been sitting in my chair," said the adolescent bear, "and if it's one of my friends I'm going to beat myself over the head with my chair." The three bears went up the stairs and looked into the bedrooms. "Someone's been sleeping in my bed," said the papa bear. "Someone's been sleeping in my bed," said the mama bear. "My hormones are raging," said the adolescent bear. "Maybe it was Mary Jane from my science class." The three bears looked into the adolescent bear's room, but his bed was untouched. "Shoot," said the adolescent bear. The bears walked into the room. The door slammed shut behind them and they whirled to see a girl with golden hair pointing a Glock at them. "Hit the floor, scuz," said the girl. "Paws stretched out, don't move. Now!" The three bears dropped to the floor and lay there. "Someone's frisking me," said the papa bear. "Someone's frisking me," said the mama bear. "Thank you, God," said the adolescent bear. "All right, you're clean. Sit up, but don't make any sudden moves," said the girl. "Who are you?" said the papa bear. "Why are you in our house?" said the mama bear. "Do you ever hang out at the mall?" said the adolescent bear. "I'm Lieutenant Goldy Locks, vice squad," said the girl. "We got a tip this was a meth lab. It'll go easier on you if you cooperate." "About the mall?" said the adolescent bear. "We don't have a meth lab," said the mama bear. "All I cook is porridge." "Is that what the stuff on the table was?" said Goldy Locks. "That's not bad. The first bowl was too hot, the second bowl was too cold, but the third bowl was just right so I ate it all. But I won't admit that if you tell anyone. Come on, where's meth? Everybody who lives way out in the woods cooks meth. Why else would you live so far from civilization?" "I think I love you," said the adolescent bear. "We don't have a meth lab," said the papa bear. "Mama cooks porridge, I sit in my chair, and our son does strange things." "What strange things?" said Goldy Locks. "Strange things point to drug usage. But I'll have to admit, I didn't find anything when I turned this room. Heck, even the dirty pictures weren't really porn." "Dirty pictures?" said the mama bear. "It's something all young male bears go through," said the papa bear. "Look, I'll admit to all kinds of crimes if you'll just take me with you and away from this place," said the adolescent bear. "Maybe home with you?" "Look me up in about ten years, when your voice has changed," said Goldy Locks. "But my zits have cleared up," said the adolescent bear. "You had dirty pictures when you were his age?" said the mama bear. "Well, uh ..." said the papa bear. "Oh God, I don't wanna hear this," said the adolescent bear. Copyright 2009, Robert A. Markwalter |
|
|
Any resemblence in this material to any person, living or dead or in suspended animation, is purely coincidental. Planning a visit to Savannah, GA? Run That By Me Again author Bob Markwalter is also a licensed Savannah tour guide. Visit Savannah, the Walking City at www.walkingsavannah.com to see more about Bob's tours and tour services and the beautiful ante-bellum city of Savannah. ©2000 - 2009, Robert A. Markwalter. All rights reserved. |